Being Chastised at Whole Foods: An Embarrassing way to Spend Your Saturday

Saturday morning I had a wedding dress fitting, after which I had to kill like 5 hours before a spa appointment. Well, I had no idea what to do because I thought the fitting would take much longer, and the spa would not budge on my appointment time. (Which I found out was due to the fact that it wasn't really a spa, but a house converted into a business, which consisted of exactly 1 parking spot.)

When driving around the rich people neighborhood of River Oaks and drooling over the houses I could probably never afford in my lifetime (not the McMansions, but the charming older homes resembling cottages from Lord of the Rings and are expensive by proxy), I decided a short trip to Whole foods was in order. Silly me though, usually I only buy meat, dairy, and other perishables at Whole Foods. There was no way I was going to buy that stuff today, because it would spoil between the walk from the entrance to the car in Saturday's heat. No way could it last til after the spa. So I contented myself with grazing on samples and getting a few not-so-perishables.

You know that feeling when you realize that you are about to witness a train wreck and there is really nothing you can do to stop it? This was the feeling I got as I strolled down the raw grains aisle. I am about 30 feet from a lovely display of all the shop's flowers, in particular an ill-conceived arrangement. The heavy sunflowers hung precariously over some very expense orchids. I noticed that the sunflowers slowly shifted to one end of their container and were starting to tilt. A light goes off in my head: Go race over there and stop that bucket from crashing! Alas, as I am doing the delicate dance between acting and bystander apathy, the sunflower bucket falls as if in slow motion, crashing into a shelf of other flowers, which in turn knocked over the entire floral display. Now I am doing the delicate dance of turning around and acting like I just didn't witness this, or going to try to help right the situation.  I chose to do nothing. This is not in my nature, but I did not want to be blamed for the avalanche of petals, and thus be held financially responsible for catastrophe. I have learned that when it comes to stores, they automatically assume the person trying to help is the one responsible for the accident. No way I was getting stuck with $1000 worth of organically grown exotics when I was minding my own business in bulk spices.

A gentlemen in my aisle, walks up to me and says, "Don't worry, I'm a witness and you didn't do it." I chuckled uneasily, telling him I meant to try to stop it, but I was just too late. "I'll tell them you didn't do it," he said. He went and got someone, as I was somewhat frozen in place. I can't tell you why. Like I said before, I didn't want to be associated with the debacle, but I was so close to the end of the aisle I had no place else to go. After some of the store authorities jumped in and started trying to salvage the situation, I made a break for it. Later down the next aisle, the man that alerted the crew to the incident jokingly chides me down the whole next aisle about why I had to knock down such a pretty display. So now, everyone browsing crackers thinks I'm the person who did it. I get some dirty looks. Fabulous.

I race off to my favorite area of the store, which is, of course, the cheese display. I think to myself, what a lovely idea for a blog post. Posts are always prettier with pictures, so I whip out my phone for a quick pic. Suddenly, a dude from the cheese counter very loudly exclaims: "YOU CAN'T TAKE PICTURES HERE!" I turned as bright as a lobster because everyone from fine wines, to chocolates is now starring at the bozo taking pictures of Gouda and Drunken Goat. I walk up to the counter and apologize and try to explain that the picture for a blog of little consequence, with a mere readership of perhaps...6 and a half. The CheeseDude says too bad, store policy says that I could be a Kroger-spy trying to copy Whole Foods' proprietary ideas, and all photographs have to be approved by the store's manager. Jeez-Louise! Like Kroger-spies are taking pictures with pink-glittery IPhones. (Kail brought out a point later that if Kroger really wanted to steal ideas from Whole Foods, they would just have to Whole Food's own website and see all the same stuff.) Google was kind enough to provide about 900 million pictures of Whole Foods' cheese display. Apparently, cheese spies are rampant. It's almost a pandemic...

Oh the Horror!

Cheesy-Idea Thievery!

This Just In: Cheese displays photos leaked to media! Whatever will we do!
The displays are only to be viewed by the millions of customers that visit one of our 273 stores the U.S. states; six in Canada; or five in the United Kingdom!

Of course, I'll probably get the pants sued off me by some litigator trying to make a name for himself. I will have it known right now that I did not snap these illicit photos, I merely stole them from some other mischievous, aberrant-minded delinquents that share the same love-affair with cheese as I do.

Adware and Other Pissed off Rants

I was scrolling through some older posts when I started looking at some of the ads on my blog. Now, I know my kitchen has the occasional infestation (the most recent being ants), but nothing could have prepared me for seeing a giant cockroach crawling up the side of my blog post. No not a real one, though I can understand why you would think that. It was a giant sidebar ad for Terminex Exterminators. Who wants to read about food when a giant roach ad is crawling up the screen. Thanks an f-ing bunch Google.

All I can figure is that it is pulling key phases off my posts to generate "related" ads, and hoping for a click. It couldn't be an ad for culinary school, Julia Child's cookbook, or at the VERY least...something Julie Powell related. No no...exterminator. Do me a favor please, click only non-bug related ads. It probably doesn't matter in the least... no one reads this blog anyway.

Where did we go wrong with our food?

I was reading a news article today about "how the government doesn't want you to know about the chemicals in our food". The article states that there are over 62,000 chemicals that the food industry at large does not have to report to federal regulators. WTH?! Where did we go wrong?

I'm reminded of a certain foreign friend (no, not WeeFee) who once commented about how beautiful our food looked here in the US, but basically that is was tasteless, or worse...tasted like fertilizer. Sadness...

Now, I'm no hippie, but supporting chemical free, locally produced food seems like a logical idea. I love farmers markets simply for all the neato things you see, and all the rich smells and colors. I want to grow some of my own food to some extent, like wonder-woman/super-mom BFF Sam. However, living in a tiny apartment doesn't lend itself to gardening too well. And don't all you city dwellers talk to me about balcony gardens...it just wont work here. For a veggie or fruit plant to produce, it needs full sun most of the day. My balcony is wedged between another building and faces north. No dice, not even for those wacky upside down tomato dillys.

 I was reading about organic gardening, and found that before the WWII, most people were getting/growing their foods in sustainable ways. However, the war created a great demand on food stuffs, and the introduction of chemicals and injected hormones became a common way to increase crops in a time when rations were uncertain. Since then, this continues to be the standard. Growing up, I didn't think anything of it. We didn't wash our fruit when we brought it home from the store. We ate the grapes right out of the bag. Some experts say grapes are some of the worst chemical holders. sigh.

Sorry for the rant, but as a country, we need to make a return to natural food. Call me a little narcissistic, but where ever the US leads, other countries will follow. Now don't get crazy and go on the raw tangent either. Let's not get too hasty. Just try to get as chemical free as possible. The only way this will happen is if people quit buying processed crap food. It's called the Power of the Pocket Book people. Think about it: Processed foods are so soft and tender because the processing component takes the work your jaw and stomach used to do. That is why these foods are less satiating. They just move right through your bloated, American gut because there is less work for your body to break down this "food". Because there is less to break down, it has to be injected with chemicals to keep it soft and fresh. Eww. Just Eww.

Another thing to consider: when you buy your food from local sources, you are buying American. I know that is REALLY important to some folks. That means one more American farmer has a job, is making a living supporting his family, and is not on the welfare rolls. That is probably the most important thing to remember.

It is scary how people have become so separated from what their food is and where it comes from. It honestly astonishes me. Sam teaches high school English. When she used to teach in a lower income school, her high school students couldn't tell her where hamburger meat came from. Their answer: The Poor People "Grocery" Store. They serious had no idea that that plastic pack of hormone-laden, meat product once belonged to a cow.

Kail's father, Mutt, owns cattle. Kail is no stranger to the slaughter house, the circle of life, or whatever you want to call it. Kail's father's ire still rises when he recalls an encounter with a pack of high school girls at a gas station a few years back:

He was taking a bull past its prime to the slaughter house and had to pull into a gas station to refuel.  A gaggle of silly girls got off a nearby school bus to get some snacks at the gas station. They came over to ooh and aww about how cute the bull was, and inquired to where it was being taken. When Mutt told him the slaughter house, they all started crying and calling him an animal killer, etc etc...as silly teenage girls are wont to do. Mutt notices one of the girls is eating a sandwich:
"What's in that sandwich?" he asks.
 "Roast beef," she snaps back in a sassy tone.
"What do you think roast beef is?" he prodded.
*blank stare*
"You're eating cow right now!"
*horrified, look on girls face* She runs back to the bus crying.

Parents, it's time for an intervention. Get your kids off the interweb, PlayStation, sexting, or whatever mischief they are getting into right now and ask them if they know where hamburger, or pork, or poultry comes from. Please post what they tell you. I'm dying to know...

Ode to Samantha, GLEE fanatic and true friend

Ode to Samantha:
        
*She is the icing on a cupcake, the ginger in gingerbread.* *wink wink Sam*

Allow me a moment to get sappy.  I remember when making a friend was as simple as being in the same class or liking the same games in school. The older you get, the more you realize you need those people that remember how you were when you younger, happier, and didn't give a damn about anything. Making friends is harder when you're all grown up. It takes lots of work. 

Being the self-centered, attention-seeking person that I am, I haven't had a REALLY close friend in years. Mainly because, to be honest, I am a shitty friend. I am working on that. When I became engaged in March, Sam was the only woman in my life that I knew I could truly rely on. At the time, we were not particularly close, but when I asked her to be my matron of honor, she said she was so honored and got all choked up about it. She sounded so genuine that you would have thought that I had asked her to be my MOH over say.. a twin sister or something. Sam is unselfish, giving, and beautiful. She is everything I wish I could be.

Her birthday was last week, and I knew I just had to something to show her much she means to me. This is kind of hard to explain because BFF's are usually mutual. I won't pretend to believe that I am Sam's BFF, but she is most certainly is mine.

Sam loves so many things, except vegetables, seafood, and red velvet cake. Her husband had already planned a dinner out with the gang, so making her an incredible meal was out of the question. I send him a quick tweet asking if I could make her a cake. He had no objections so my confectionery gears started grinding.

I also know Sam is a fan of a few tv shows and movies, but GLEE in particular. Glee is like a culmination of so many things that Sam loves: pop music, musical theater, triumph of the under-dog, and great educators that support students.So after about 30 seconds of thought, I decided that a Glee cake was the way to go. I am thinking: fondant letters with a butter cream icing.

Sudden pause: Jonathan is freaking out when I spill this plan. He thinks this is waaaaaay to involved for transport directly after work in 100* degree heat. He applauds the thought, but thinks it is ill advised to try, yet again, a new recipe/technique when something this big is on the line. *I told him to shove it and not be so critical*

So what if I had never worked with fondant before! How hard could it be? I did a quick google search of Glee cakes, and saw 3 or 4 varieties. Then I stumbled upon some cute cupcakes involving minimal fondant and Cheerios cereals. (Apparently, this is a reference to the cheerleaders on the show, which are referred to as "the Cheerios".) I thought it was definately something I could pull off. Then, I got the idea of making some "popcorn cupcakes" so it would be like sitting around watching her favorite show with a bowl of popcorn. So here is how it went down:

Deadline: Friday  at 6:30 p.m. 

Tuesday: Went to the grocery store and bought a gagillion things. I couldn't decide on which cupcake flavor to buy, so I got a yellow/chocolate swirl. That way everyone could be satisfied. Got buttercream icing knowing she likes it best. Also, got a variety of primary-colored fondants. yum yum.

Wednesday: Day of mental preparation/anguish. Purchased shiny, silver foil cupcake papers, and a bakery box for transport of precious cargo. Made it home and began prep on the "popcorn" component of the cupcakes, which is actually marshmallows. This is how to do it:

1. Using the miniature marshmallows, take a pair of sharp scissors and make 2, crosswise cuts across the flat part of the mellow. It is incredible how realistic this looks. *note: this technique could also double as a molar on a toothy cake.* Anyway, it takes, like a dozen or more per cupcake, repeat this step approximately 9 million times if you are making a huge batch.

 2. After I had snipped about 1/2 a bag of these, I sealed them up and cut fondant squares with a knife. I used a simple template cut out of a manila folder. You have to roll it much thinner than you think you do. A little goes a long way. FYI, the hotter fondant gets, the more stretchy it is. My squares didn't stay perfect as I cut them under track lighting, but they were close enough to satisfy me.  I put them in the fridge for use later.

3. I also spent some time printing little Glee logos off the internet, printing them in color, and cutting them out. I couldn't afford the edible paper, even if I could find it. I made a mental note to remind everyone not to eat the paper logos at the party. (Didn't work... WeeFee ate his anyway.)

Thursday: Baked the actual cupcakes, iced the ones that were to be the popcorn ones. I added the "marshmallow popcorn" and used an aerosol food-coloring to dye it yellow as if buttered. By the way, I think I can understand why those workers at the popcorn factories talk about the toxic, butter flavoring. That dye smelled like I was using spray paint, but there was no SNAFU. It was food dye..*



I wasn't satisfied at first, but after seeing 3 together it started to look awesome.


Friday: Raced home from work, iced remaining cupcakes. First you adhere the fondant square in the middle, then you dip the cupcake on a plate of cheerios. After that, apply a small dot of icing to the back of the paper logo and adhere to the fondant. Add some candy sprinkles for an extra pop of color, and  you get these beautiful results...



Glee is abounding at this point!!!


We get the cupcakes all loaded in the car and dash across town to the restaurant without incident. We get them in the restaurant fridge just before she arrives. She has no clue they are coming out. Her expression was priceless...

Love you Sam. Happy Birthday!

If you like what you see, please Follow Me for more recipes and cooking related antics.

When a Man Loves a Woman, and Other Blissful Wordlessness

*ooooh shiny*

Berry Storage and Other Conundrums...

Berry consumption is something new to me. We didn't have a lot of fruit growing up at my house. Mostly processed carb crap.

  

 "Fruit" at my house growing up. I don't blame my mother, she tried.

However, I have recently taken a liking to berries, and being that it is summer, I can actually get them in season.

The stolen "My Fit Food" diet calls for lots of berries and fruit. So I bought some to put in some Greek Yogurt they recommend. Here's the problem though...the berries will be bad tomorrow. They are ALWAYS bad tomorrow. What the heck happens? So before I lose $15 in strawberries, blackberries, and oh so delicious raspberries, I googled how to store them:

"Refrigerate unwashed berries in an uncovered container. Wash only directly before consuming." Okay...well I always used to wash them right away so that was error number 1 fixed. Now, the uncovered container...

No no, it's not that I don't  have a container that I can't leave uncovered, it is fear. Why fear you ask? While cleaning out the fridge tonight to put in my new groceries I saw, to my great vexation, gnats from the WTF incident of mid-May. How the hell they have managed to survive in my fridge after I tossed everything and bleached it out is beyond me. It is just sad really.

So in lieu of having gnats get into my berries I opted to cover them lightly with plastic wrap. We'll see how it goes. Have a berry-licious day.

Moocher...

I'm not going to lie, I hang out at The  Manor Falls Estate a lot because of many reasons. Yes, hanging out with buds is fun. Drinking waaaaay to much and cooking for my buds is great, too. But the truth of the matter is that I am a complete mooch. The Manor has access to tons of fine cookware by Calphalon  *drool* as well as the occasional popping up of nice cuts of meat, produce, and foreign foods.

Kail is the chief purveyor of the MFE. Jonathan and the Frenchie (aka Weefee) split the rent. However, Kail pretty much dictates over the menagerie that has become the Manor Falls Estate. What I love about my bud Kail, aka "Preston Underjaw" is that he lives by this motto: "I'll buy it if you cook it."  (Well, most of the time and as long as he doesn't have to hunt down too many odd ingredients.) So when I tell him I have the urge to cook, he usually dashes off to the store and buys a kitchen full of food.

Sunday, he got the hankering for kabobs. So while the boys were playing video game (boring!) I contented myself with making Kabobs. Now, what do we know about me and grocery stores? Of course, it started pouring down rain. So the grill was out. So I cut up these huge steaks and  hung them over a roasting pan in the oven. They turned out kind of plain despite my ardent attempts to flavor them with spices and roasted garlic. Oh well...at least they turned out medium well, and not chewy. They looked pretty, too.

Why I had to Grocery Shop in the Rain and Other Wordlessness

Dinner: "Premium" hotdogs, instant potatoes, 2 canned veggies. Deplorable...

The Grocery Store, the Rain, and Other Broken Records

I can't quite recall if I have ever mentioned this before, but every time I go to the grocery store...it rains. Seriously. They should take me to the Sahara to grocery shop so that it can change back to the green utopia it was in the ice age or whatever. So aside from getting my cardio workout via anger (i.e.high blood pressure) about the weather, I spent a good fortune at the store (not the poor people one) buying real food.

I have been neglecting you my poor bleaders and I feel guilty. My foodie blogroll count for this week: a big fat goose egg. Even the regulars have given up. *Sigh.*

So here is what's going down: Four days, four home cooked meals. The meals were inspired by a local weight loss joint called "My Fit Foods" who promises that everyone loses 8-12 lbs. on average if you eat by their guidelines. Cool, how much does it cost? Between $500 and $600 for 21 days worth of food. F that! I took a big pay cut to work at my new job, and $600 covers the student loan and car payment for a month. Geez.

So, I looked at the portion sizes they were selling...(which let's not kid ourselves, that is what they are really selling) and decided to attempt to copy their foods and portion sizes at home. Low Glycemic, high protein, low carb.

This week's menu (which Jon does not know about yet) will consist of the following dinner meals. He will be forced to able to choose from:

Mediterranean Pesto Chicken Wraps with Hummus.
Chicken Fajitas with Beans and Guacamole
Turkey Chili with Beans
Small Beef Tenderloins with Squash and Salad.
or
Turkey Spaghetti on Whole Wheat Pasta.

Be proud America, I have the fajitas, tenderloins, and Mediterranean chicken marinating as we speak. Of course, I had to clean out the fridge again. Greatest discovery: milk expired on 5/29. Happy dining.

Cooking Hiatus, a Sad Sad Event

The wedding is fast approaching for those of you paying attention and every spare moment has been devoted to trying on this, or ordering that, or choosing this, or depositing that. It is enough to drive someone mad. Now I know why people pay for wedding planners. I personally can't let go of the control, so I opted not to have one. (like I could afford one anyway. sheesh).

That being said, things like laundry, vacuuming, and grocery shopping have all fallen by the way side. I haven't been to a real grocery store since the last blog post. Seriously, there is no food in the house that is safe for human consumption. Every week I vow to go, but time always runs short, forcing me to decide between the poor people grocery store or waiting. You see, I kind of live in a food desert. Thank God my job has decent food at it or else I would probably be 900lbs. Jon works in a food desert over by Hobby Airport. It's no wonder we are both having problems with weight loss.

It really bothers me because I feel like I am spending way too much on going out and not providing something more wholesome for Jon and me to eat. It's depressing. What's worse is that I have yet to use my rosette irons either. *sad*

This weekend, Jon is heading to the deer lease and I am staying home. I don't get July 5th off for Independence Day, which sucks. So while everyone else is off galavanting at parties and eating hotdogs, I will be sitting at my office twiddling my thumbs. I will not be attending any parties to try out any awesome recipes. It's just crap. *rant*

This post really had a point at the start, but I have been so distracted that it has pretty much amounted to a bunch of rants. In the mean time, I will have to apologize and post some pictures when I get in.