Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Making Frenchmen Vomit & Other Insults to My Cooking

Sorry for the abundance of wordlessness. I have been going out to eat so much that it has left much to be desired in my kitchen. So, I did some soul searching and remembered this gym from the end of last year. Enjoy.

    It was the end of last year, not so long ago when a group of friends went out drinking to celebrate birthdays and whatnot. It must have been November. Dang alcohol-induced memory loss. It was getting about that time when bar fights were break out, so we all skidattled back to my place for some Wii and whatnot.
    Little known fact about me: when there is alcohol in my system, I like to cook. Don't know why. Maybe it's because drunk people are so happy that they will eat anything you dish out. "Fried SPAM with Raspberry jelly over runny-egg toast? Sounds delicious." "Perhaps some ketchup for dipping! PERHAPS Indeed!" (BLECK!)
    So, amongst my buds I have pseudo-famous (often referred to as "kick-ass") biscuits. As every Texan knows, there is only 1 cure to settle your stomach when you have had too much to drink: Bread or eggs.  Okay, well, I guess that's two but I usually eat them as a unit so there! Well being that there weren't enough eggs to go around, biscuits it was. So I whip up a batch from a recipe my mom taught me that my Grandpa corrected her on circa 2001.

Pioneer(R) Brand Biscuits
Pioneer  Baking Mix in a bowl

A medium steady flow of milk while you spin the bowl at a moderate speed. Gently blend.
(how do you like them measurements?)

If is too thick, add a little more milk, to thin add a little more mix.

     When it gets thick and sticky, pour a little Pioneer or flour on a counter/butcher block/etc. and pour the thick blob on it. Sprinkle a little pioneer on top for good measure. Take off any rings you may be wearing lest they get permanently coated in goo. Use your hands to press the dough out to about 1" thick or a little thicker (never thinner). If your rich and have the right cooking implements, use a medium-sized biscuit cutter to cut little Polly Perfect circles. If your poor, use a glass larger than a shot glass, but smaller than a tumbler to cut your circles. Reform scraps and cut additional circles as long as the dough remains 1" thick. When you finally get only scraps, form them into a sort of ugly wad of dough roughly 1" thick, maybe a little more. Don't over work the dough or you will have tough biscuits.
    Here is the trick for soft, moist biscuits: They must be cooked in a pan where they can touch each other. My grandpa's tip saved our teeth. My mom's biscuits used to be so hard that if they rolled off the table they would kill any animal begging under-foot. I prefer a square cake pan. NEVER use a cookie sheet; that is biscuit sacrilege.
   Arrange the dough circles around the outter edges of the pan, working inward. Put the ugly one in the middle. Bake @ 450* until they start to just brown on top. The ugly duckling biscuit in the middle is always the softest and fattest. (Hence most delicious). Eat it yourself and savor before serving the perfect round ones to guests.

   Back to the story. So I had these yumsters all made up and was dishing them out with butter and honey. The crew is chowin down. A visiting Frenchie who will remain nameless was chillin' with us while he was here on work. He takes a bite of my biscuits and thinks they are unusual. He takes a few bites and says he is going to check on his girl in the other room. Next thing I know, I have a Frenchmen puking biscuits in my bathroom sink. THE SINK! Not the toilet only a 1/2 a foot away. Now, he runs every time I cook them...

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