Kolache Lesson 101...Finally

   So sorry to be gone so long, a lot of things have been happening. The good news is, the long awaited face-to-face kolache lesson has FINALLY happened. No, not with Jon's gran but with a "kolache master" in the community.
   I have spent the last 6 hours making 6 dozen kolaches. Sorta. More like hovering around when Ann (aka Kolache Master) was making them and getting underfoot like a preschooler. I took 3 pages of notes in order to not miss a single thing. That way, my first solo attempt post-lesson will not be a re-enactment of the circa 2007 incident. So behold, the ten things I learned for perfect kolaches:

The 10 Rules of Kolache Making:
1.) Beating the dough by hand is for suckers. Use a nice KitchenAid Mixer with a whisk and dough hook attachment.
2.) NEVER use water or evaporated milk when making dough. Ever. EVER! End of story.
3.) Be patient. So patient that by God you will complete a 5,000 piece jigsaw puzzle before the freakin' dough rises enough times to work with.
4.) Use free-range chicken eggs if you can get them. The yolks are bigger.
5.) Measuring is for wimps. Man up and use judgment. Three sifters full of flour is approximately 10 cups. You can go to hell Polly Perfect.
6.) Rise the dough in a crockery bowl. There is magic kolache dust in them for some reason and metal bowls just won't cut it. Heat the bowl up in hot water prior to putting in the dough.
7.) It really does make a difference if your melted butter is hot versus molten.
8.) Did I mention being so patient that watching the grass grow will seem like watching Olympic Speed Skating in comparison to watching the dough rise?
9.) Use unsalted butter, but add salt in the dough. Irony? Not sure. Confused? Definitely.
10.) When spooning the dough out of the bowl you almost have to cut it with the edge of the spoon. Rolling it out with a pin and using biscuit cutters is for lazy asses. If you are going to do something, do it right or take you bowl and go home.

So, I took part in this ordeal by forming and filling the kolaches. Unfortunately, due to some horrible downloading incident, the finished picture of all the beautiful kolaches was ruined. *weeping silently to self* However, I do have some "in the process" shots for you to enjoy. I am so sad I can not show you the rows upon rows of completed ones. Stupid computer. Such as waste. What an unjust universe...

Baby Kolaches before they grow up

Teen-aged kolaches ready for filling.

Beautiful Kolaches that are all grown up and camera shy. They are like the leprechauns or Loch Ness Monsters of the dessert world. Did you REALLY just see the most kick-ass kolache in the universe? Not sure. The photo of it and its kinsman was obscured by radical Czechoslovakian extremists who will not have their cooking secrets exposed. Damn you computer. DAMN YOU!!!!

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