Friday, February 25, 2011

Things I Have Been Accused of Lately: What is "Being a Such a Guy?"

Things at the hovel have pretty well deteriorated to pre-wedding conditions. Dishes are piled high in the sink, random take-out cartons litter the living area, and my kitchen generally smells like burned onions and failure. February has been a bit of a tough culinary month for me. My living quarters look somewhat like this:

Okay, maybe not THIS least I don't have Formica counters. Wait...*facepalm*

Since the Puck-cake incident, I have been pretty much on a cooking strike. As such, the consumable food in the house has changed from fresh and leafy to powdery, processed and/or once leafy, now black and rotten. "Meals" have since become quite unusual at the house. Jon is a big boy and can fend for himself in a bachelorish-like fashion. He has no problem eating a can of soup and being done with it. I, on the other hand, ate this for dinner the other day, okay 2 days:

Chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.
Followed by a "sandwich"
More ice cream
16 straight TIVO'd episodes of "How I Met Your Mother" (HIMYM)

Jon finally had to say something when he caught me eating the following over the course of an evening:

One individual size serving of mac and cheese
-Eaten in front of TV during HIMYM.

One fun-size pack of Peanut M&Ms
-Eaten 30 minutes later while sitting under a giant load of  fresh-out-of-the-dryer laundry....who am I kidding, it was dirty laundry that needed to be sorted.

One single serving size bag of Doritos 
-Eaten 1 hour later while trying to understand "Labyrinth" while not being high, and trying to remember why I loved it so much as a kid.

~~~Passed out on couch from carb overload~~~
Woke up hungry 2 hours later and had...

One slice of buttered toast.
-while trying to get motivated to shower for the first time that weekend, and do a blog post for you guys. Eaten while walking down the hall to the computer room.

~~~I'm staring at my computer's blinking cursor...stomach growls~~~

"You know what I need?" I ask myself.
Self: "Some G.D. Self-esteem?"
Me: "Besides that."
Self: "Better personal hygiene?"
Me: "Shut up! I'll shower later."
Self:  "Bacon!?"
Me: Exactly!

~~Sneak back to kitchen as I have already been chastised for eating nothing but garbage for a week~~~

During a commercial Jon hears a sizzle in the kitchen.

J: "Whatcha' cooking babe?"
Me: "Nothing, I'm on strike."
J: "Ok, I just thought I heard something going on in there."
Me: "mmhmmm"
(His nose must have been really REALLY stopped up. How the hell can you not smell bacon.)
I make myself 4 1/2 pieces of bacon and sneak back to the computer.

Jon's spider senses start tingling. He knows something is up. The smell of bacon always lures a scavenger. I'm deliriously om nomming my bacon in the back when suddenly he sneaks up behind me and scares the piss out of me.

J: "What are you doing!"
Me: "Blogging..."
J: "Is that bacon? Did you just fry yourself up a whole plate of bacon?!"
Me: "No..."
J: ~with a hint of disgust~ "You are such a guy." (Not meant as a compliment)

THEN he does the unthinkable, he tries to steal some bacon. The boy is obviously crazy.

Important Digression: When birds of prey make a kill, they do something called mantling to make themselves look bigger and scarier to potential threats. It is basically a bird giving other animals "the bird". Mantling looks like this:

Look at me protecting my noms! Now leave me & the cheezeburger in peace & no one will get hurt!

I do not know what came over me at that very moment, but I mantled over my bacon with my arms like wings and yelled "CA CAW CA CAW!!!" at the top of my freaking lungs. Seriously, I'm not making this up. God knows what the neighbors thought was going on. Jon did not take my threatening posture seriously and I was forced to do what any threatened animal would do. Violence ensued.

I told that bitch to back up off'a my bacon!

It wasn't pretty, but I kept my bacon. However, I started feeling a little guilty for being a greedy bitch, so I broke down and gave him a bite. Then I had a realization: When you're biting your spouse and not really sure why, something needs to change. That's it kids, I am back on the wagon. More cooking adventures coming soon.

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